ah, the joy of puppies...

Pepper, our new little shepherd mix is so, well, a puppy. She grunts and groans when she's laying down, stretching every few seconds, bored but not bored, sleeping, but not wanting to sleep...she still has those little needle-sharp puppy teeth.

One day last week I had gotten them up in the morning and there was puppy poo on the newspaper, which was no big deal. As I reached down to wad up the paper, Pepper stepped in the poo and immediately jumped up and put her paws in my hair.

I took a shower.

Pickles, Petey and Pepper

Thank you all for all the kind comments about Sadie. I miss her so bad I can't stand it. We decided to give her a place in a local pet cemetery. She thought she was a person, so I had to bury her like one. Gah, I can't talk about it...anyway, thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I wanted to send back a note to each one of you, but I've just not been myself and swamped with work, internship, and stuff at home...read on about that...

Without the drama queen in the house, it was too quiet, too depressing... We knew we were going to get another dog, but it took two to fill emptiness Sadie left behind. Meet 10 month-old Petey (beagle mix) and four month-old Pepper (shepherd mix?). They are our two new lovebugs and our 13 year old gal, Pickles, just loves them. She was awfully despondent after Sadie passed...I think we all were...now she is running and playing.

Petey and Pepper are real characters. Pepper has never been on a leash before and apparently has never been out of a cage much...she is afraid of doorways, stairs and leashes. Petey, who was pulled from the shelter by a rescue just one day before euthanasia, just made himself at home immediately and climbs everything in site like a mountain goat. He'll go to sleep next to you on his back with all fours sticking up in the air and snore like an old man. He's hilarious. They are keeping us very busy--Petey is housetrained, but Pepper isn't yet. Pepper le Pew...

Click on either picture to go to the full collection of photos from their first day with us (except for the last pic which is when I brought Petey to work with me over the weekend--that would be his second day with us...looks pretty comfortable, huh?).

    

Ah, puppies...smooch

Goodbye, my sweet, sweet friend...

We had to say goodbye to our beloved Sadie yesterday afternoon. They couldn't remove any fluid so we couldn't relieve the pressure on her chest. She couldn't breathe and fluid was beginning to collect in her lungs. So, so, sad. At least she was able to pass peacefully--something for which I had prayed very hard. Our other dog is just lost; eating exactly half of her food last night and not touching it this morning. She is searching everywhere for her buddy. We miss her so terribly.

Muddling and such...

Sadie has gotten much worse over the past 3-4 days. She has a terrible rattling cough and can't do much of anything without instigating a fit. I took her to the vet this morning to get as much fluid out of her belly as possible so she wouldn't have so much pressure on her little chest.

Remarkably, she's still in good spirits, but the constant coughing over the weekend has exhausted her. I just hate to say goodbye to poor little Boo-Boo.

Since the first anniversary of Daddy's death last month, I have really struggled with serious depression, and watching Sadie slowly slip from us doesn't help. I dread adding yet another grieving period to go through, but I don't think it's far away. I just want to crawl under the covers.

But I keep muddling through. I actually did some painting last night for the first time in a while. It helped me keep my mind off things. I have unfinished paintings everywhere. I think I need to concentrate on getting one of them finished and up on Ebay this week...having a sense of accomplishment would do me some good.

I hate being in slow-motion.

Corporate-sponsored abuse...

Oh boy, the Iditarod is here! Time to drive dogs to their deaths. The dogs that were "culled" with a bullet to the head throughout the sled dog breeding year were the lucky ones...


Iditarod dog deaths unjustifiable

by George Diaz
Orlando Sentinel
March 5, 2000

The unofficial death count is 114, though the numbers lie because it isn`t possible to follow all the bloody paw prints of innocent animals that have died in the name of this barbaric "sport."

They have been strangled in towlines, gouged by sleds, suffered liver injury, heart failure, pneumonia and "external myopathy," a condition in which a dog's muscles and organs deteriorate during extreme or prolonged exercise. [more...]

"Culling is a common practice among mushers. The Iditarod mushers breed many dogs, hoping to get a few who will be fast enough to race. According to an article in the Anchorage Daily News, "Killing unwanted sled-dog puppies is part of doing business" (October 6, 1991), most of the mushers cull by shooting their dogs in the head. An animal who is not properly restrained when the musher shoots may suffer an agonizing death. Mushers also cull dogs who are injured in the Iditarod, old but otherwise healthy dogs, or any dog who is not wanted for any reason. Musher Lorraine Temple said, "They (the big racing outfits) can't keep a dog who's a mile an hour too slow" (Currents, Fall, 1999)."

Please read Abuse in Kennels for more information.

A Must See...

This lightened my heart today-one year today after Daddy's passing...

I'm quite sure Daddy would have thought this clip hilarious. He had a distinctive snicker when he thought something was really funny. If it was humorous enough he would eventually erupt into laughter. This would have made him laugh out loud...

Patches the Horse

puppy dog tails...

It just seems like yesterday we brought little Miss Sadie home. She was so excited--she sat between us on the arm rest shaking all over, waiting to see where she was going.

She's been a darling and a devil; headstrong and loving; hateful and disarming. You'd think she was a person.

My baby girl is starting to go downhill. A couple of nights ago I wiped her eye and her tears were bloody. She still seems comfortable, but her eyes aren't an amber brown...they are darker. Her body is not reabsorbing all the blood that's leaking from the tumors and she is starting to swell some as well. I'd sell the house to give her surgery, but it's not possible. My heart aches every time I look at her. She's lived a good life though and we have loved her dearly, even when she was quite naughty--and she excelled at naughty sometimes. I know she is fading, but she still acts cheerful and happy; still puts wild effort into unstuffing her toys and barks like mad at the garbage men. She's just getting a little stiff and a little weak. It takes her a while to get up the stairs now. Day by day we keep watch over her and make sure she is comfortable. The only thing that makes dogs imperfect is that they don't live long enough.

This weekend is the first anniversary of Daddy passing away so it's, well, not a great time to worry about losing another beloved friend or family member. We'll just hang in there.

My doc put me on a new beta-blocker to control my tachycardia which really, really helped me out; not to mention bringing my BP down 30 points immediately. I was really starting to feel like a nervous wreck with my heart rate and BP staying so high. I'm really making an effort to shed some extra pounds and eat really healthy.

weirdness...

I had to go home early today because my heart started racing at lunch and wouldn't calm down. Now, I do have something called inappropriate sinus tachycardia (uh, which means my heart beats really fast), but it doesn't usually bother me so bad I feel like I am going to come out of my skin, but today it did and I had to call it quits early this afternoon. I came home, took my BP which was about 140/100 with a HR of nearly 120 laying down. After 2 hours of resting and napping I finally got my BP down to near normal and my HR down to 90, which unfortunately is pretty normal for me. I changed my BP meds this week so I'm going to give the doc a call to see if these strange variations in BP and HR are something to be concerned about. All in all a miserable day, but beautiful, warm and sunny outside as a consolation.

just in case you forgot women are good for just one thing...

Way to go ladies. Gosh, just when we thought it was about the sport...dummy me. Wet dreams come first...no pun intended.

cheesy jelly beans...

When you get past 40 you can't ignore things anymore. For example, when my doctor called me about last week's blood test results: total cholesterol 255; LDL (the bad cholesterol) 158 and triglycerides 180. The 255 number is really bad and the other two are borderline numbers.

How does a vegetarian get high cholesterol? One word--cheese. Everything I eat is smothered in cheese. If it doesn't have cheese, I don't want to eat it. Now, I have been backed into a sharp cheddar corner with no where to go. Don't tell me to eat fat-free cheese--that only qualifies to fill nail holes in your wall.

My beloved cheese and all its fatty components are going to have to be rationed like nuggets of 24 karat gold. Some people can't give up caffeine, cigarettes and alcohol. I can't give up cheese.

I've thought about writing the Jelly Bell-y company and asking them to make a Vermont sharp cheddar jelly bean so I could have a taste of good cheese now and then.

This feels like quitting smoking all over again. I need a patch, cheese gum, cheese jelly beans...some sort of cheese substitute. It is my chocolate, my main food group, my elixir, my friend.

But, cheese, you betray me! Oh, how you betray me!

So, the assignment is to lose 20-30 lbs, get back to an exercise routine, cut out fatty foods and get rechecked in six months. I'm going to get a jump start with NutriSy5tem in hopes I can get motivated with a little weight loss.

Heart attack and stroke does run on my mother's side of the family, so this ain't no joke. It's got to be done and it has to stay that way. Pfffft.

Has anyone seen "House of the Flying Daggers?" We watched the DVD yesterday---damn! what a depressing movie! Gawd!

That and the cheese thing--I mean, man, I'm gonna lose it.

But I do have a couple of paintings up finally. I hope they do okay. It's nice to get something back on Ebay.

Hope y'all have a great day.

PLEASE ALSO VISIT THE HORSE SLAUGHTER BLOG. THE USDA HAS CIRCUMVENTED CONGRESS' WISHES TO PREVENT HORSE SLAUGHTER. It's an ugly reminder of our society's method of madness--all predicated upon the loophole. It's a stinky hole.

It's February again

Today was a sad day. The land that Daddy lived on for nearly 30 years is no longer in our family. The house he built from the ground up, the outdoor fireplace, the many wooded trails, the Zoysia grass he sewed, the bird feeders he built, the apple grove he planted--is no longer ours. I always loved the apple trees--he had figured out how to graft different varieties together on one tree, which always impressed me. He also had a pear and peach tree as well as grapes, raspberries, blackberries and muscadines. His neighbors bought the land which is good and we teared up and hugged before leaving. They will take good care of Daddy's place and invited us to visit it any time we want. I suppose it was a best case scenario, but I wish we could have kept it...there were reasons for that I can't go into here.

I wanted to eat lunch with my brother and my mom after the business had been completed but I had to rush back to work for a meeting no one showed up for. Normally it wouldn't have aggravated me, but I needed to be with my family.

This week has not been easy. I'm very tired from surgery, depressed about the land being sold--on the cusp of the first anniversary no less--and I'm trying reorient myself to my regular job and to a new internship job as well. I'm developing ADD very quickly...I'm sure I'll get the fog out of my head as things get settled down a bit. I hope.

I hope Daddy isn't disappointed we sold his place. It really was beautiful there with a view of the mountains and at night a clear view of the heavens--away from all the city's lights. The night they discovered his body we were waiting outside in the bitter cold waiting for the rescue crew to bring him out of the woods. It was flurrying, but part of the sky was cloudless and that's when I saw the largest, brightest shooting star I have ever seen. Perhaps a postcard from Heaven.

peep show...

I'm still here, peeking around the corner from time to time. My first day back to work was yesterday and I was sore and exhausted by the end of the day. Sitting doubled up at a computer all day doesn't do wonders for post-hysterectomy pieces and parts. Today I'm really trying to ignore the fatigue.

Sadie is still with us but she seems to be going downhill a bit. Her belly is getting swollen with fluid again and sometimes she gives me a look like she is frightened. It tears my heart out. Overall, though, she's not in pain and her discomfort seems to be minimal, so as long as she's in good spirits and being mischievious we'll hang on.

Right before I came back to work I got a new car. I was close to the end of my lease on my Acc0rd and was ready to trade and purchase this time. After much research over the past few months I decided on a Mini C00per and am extremely happy with it. Believe it or not it's roomy inside and quirky as hell--just like its quirky little driver.

Thursday we make the sale of Daddy's property and house. :-( I hope I get through that with out breaking down in front of everyone.

I'm easing into my internship as well. I think this semester will be better than the last one as far as pressure and flexibility in hours. I'll get to work on the weekend some which will help a lot.

Well, that's the scoop for now--there ain't much of it, but I've been seriously neglecting the bloggie world lately. Hope everyone is okay. :-)

another one...

Today is my 41st (gah) birthday. Where did the time go?

mmmmm....dander

I reckon' I got my dander all up and prickly yesterday. I got so mad because I wanted to get a preview of this movie to see how bad/good it might be. After watching a couple of clips, I got all putrid on your asses. I just get frustrated with the destructive nature of society. There's enough suffering to go around for everyone.

Anyway.

It won't be long until we sell Daddy's place (probably later this month). That is going to be uber painful. Daddy cleared the land himself, built the house himself (almost single-handedly) and cleared the trails in the wooded acreage all by himself. There's a small grove of apple and pear trees, a thicket of blackberry bushes and grapes on a trellis. His little kitty, the original Peanut, is buried in the wooded area behind the house and Daddy himself died in those woods.

It will be hard to let it all go. It will be hard.

I'm reading a very interesting book by James Frey entitled A Million Little Pieces. It's giving me a unique look into the life of a young man who became an addict. I would consider it a must read for anyone who wants to be in the therapeutic field.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, a gratuitous kitty cat picture--this is what recovery looks like at my house:

Hostel--The Video Game

Anyone going to see the latest shock-gore, Hostel? I think I'll pass. A plot with gore is one thing, but just a bunch of realistic-looking torture with horrific scenes of terrorized people...gosh, well, wait a minute...what's not to love? Especially for someone like me who's healing up a six-inch incision.

I say big fucking deal. You know why? Because kids (chronologically and not) are playing this shit on their computers and X-NumbBoxes every day. How many times do psychologists, sociologists, anthropologists, religious leaders, street vendors and bus drivers have to say "you keep packing that shit in; pretty soon you're going to start smelling like it..." Except you can't smell it. You can't smell it because you've been desensitized to your own shit. So we continue and continue to become more and more desensitized to violence when it is portrayed in a gratuitous way. Let's feast on our most rotten of meats...the desire to harm, the will to kill, the curiosities of mad men full of rage and fucked up motivations.

Don't get me wrong, I used to be a horror movie buff, but when everyone started leaving out the plot and leaving out the mystery, I got bored and disgusted--and with this one just plain disturbed. I think the horror movie industry officially "jumped the shark" when Friday the 13th debuted.

No there's no Hostel game yet, but I'm quite sure its on the drawing board.

Personally, I have enough of a life to avoid such useless garbage.

Of course, I might feel differently tomorrow.

Sometimes I change my mind.

Sometimes I don't.

thank you, thank you...and let's toast to 2006

Thank you all...I'm sorry I've been so late in my response--there have been so many kind responses and genuine expressions of concern sent my way. Your comments have been so uplifting...I'm watching Sadie unstuff a toy as we speak...happily. She's still feeling ok and hanging in there. My big activity during the past few days has been making homemade doggie biscuits from recipes I found at Good Dog Express (and boy do they love them!). I've been baking the oatmeal and wheat germ cookies and the peanut butter treats which I can cut out with my dog bone-shaped cookie cutters. I don't know what kind of ride we'll be in for, but for now she's being pampered like the princess she is and enjoying every minute of it...

Healing from surgery is going great and I'm moving right along without any complications. I could write a lot more about that whole experience but not today.

Again, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you ALL for your support and kindness. Here's to a better year...Happy 2006!

P.S. Have you guys seen the Dogs 24/7 custom covers? I ordered one with Sadie's picture. It will be such a wonderful keepsake in the years to come.

to all who celebrate...

Millan.net

more news...

Well, unfortunately it looks like Sadie does have hemangiosarcoma and that's why she's bleeding out into the sac around her heart. It was bad news. And it also looks like there's a tumor behind her right eye as well. We couldn't understand why her eye was also pushed outward a little and apparently that's why. She is not in pain and she is still able to give kisses and enjoy pets, so we are going to let her live out the rest of her days at home until she is either uncomfortable or the sac bursts because of the tumor. The vet says if this does happen she will probably faint and pass away rather painlessly. If instead she shows respiratory distress again from pressure in her chest we will do the proper thing and get her to the vet and say our goodbyes.

With me having surgery tomorrow, we asked the vet to keep her in the ICU or, if no ICU cages are available, in the hospital so she can be tended to while I'm in the hospital. Then papa can pick her up and we can watch her more closely.

I don't know if we will have her for two days, two weeks or two months, but she will be well-loved all of those days she has left with us.

Thanks again for all the kind messages. I wish I had time to respond to them all, but I need to get my little bag packed...I have to be at the hospital by 5:30 am.

I am thankful we get to bring little boo-boo home, if only for a little while. It is a bittersweet blessing.

Take care all...it will be a while before I post again. Take stock of your blessings and gifts this life has given you. xo

update on boo-boo...

Sadie has a mass on her heart. They just took a needle biopsy of it a little while ago and we'll know what kind of tumor we're dealing with. I hope it is not a hemangiosarcoma because that will be lethal. Even treatment wouldn't prolong her life by much if the story Smooch sent me is typical. They should call me in a couple of hours...probably before I leave work. I don't know what to hope for--pray for the path of least suffering I suppose. I really hate this...really, really, really hate it.

Not too long ago we found a hotbed of cheap fleece toys for Sadie and piled them in the "junk drawer" in the kitchen. It is a lower drawer, so we started calling Sadie to it and saying "you want a toy?" She learned quickly, dipped her little noggin into the toys and picked one out. Up the stairs she'd trot and mangle the toy all over the bed, frantically pulling out every last piece of stuffing. I used to worry about her doing this because of the possibility of swallowing pieces, but she is only interested in dismantling. She has a method: she chews a hole open with her molars, then at the first sight of stuffing, she goes nuts pulling and spitting it out. When she gets to the squeaker she's quite content with herself. What is left is a flat piece of material, wet and slobbery stuffing everywhere and a squeaker that no longer squeaks. I have to say the fervor with which she does this makes it one of the most entertaining things I have ever seen an animal do. The last time the drawer was opened for her she started taking out ALL the toys. "Sorry Sadie, only one at a time." She's a stinker, she is.

Sadie has always been very particular about how she goes about things. We have been so lucky to have had her--even with all her little quirks, demanding to be treated as a person and not a dog, getting the unlimited tongue baths, burying her bones in the couch and stuffing the pillows down in the cracks to secure the hiding place, prancing on the floor when she's excited to see you, playing hide-and-go-seek with daddy, stealing my underwear from the laundry and leaving it strewn all over the backyard, yowling at the top of her lungs when she hears a siren go by, "fake" barking to lure Pickles away from her treat so she can steal it, adoring every human who has two hands to pet her, sticking her head out the window and sniffing the air as much as possible while her jowls catch the air and puff out--her ears snapping like little velvety flags, running into her leash harness like a poodle jumping through a hoop, honking like a goose because she is yanking on her leash when she first heads out the door, running around the house with her butt in a hunch because she's so excited, following her nose and refusing to mind until the fifth (or more) command has been given and the insatiable desire for food... She is really a hilarious dog who has taught me A LOT about dog ownership--she made me work for it and it was worth every minute. I hope we have a little more time together.

Ugh, I had to put Baxter to sleep last year on December 10. I am afraid I'm looking at going through that again. I will update later today; then surgery tomorrow.

thank you...

Thank you all for your kind comments. I got to the vet hospital early this morning on the way to work to see my girl. She was perkier than she was last night and gave me lots of kisses. When I walked into the ICU a student was petting her through the access door in her oxygen cage. I found out she has already wrapped everyone around her little paw...she has a way of doing that.

I read the article Smooch sent me and I have to say this sounds exactly like hemangiosarcoma. In fact it is so specific to the symptoms I have seen so far (except for the seizures) that I will be shocked if they tell me something else. But we'll wait to see what the tests say. Since Sadie has Cushing's Disease as well, they are unsure about what condition is causing what symptom.

We will see her again this afternoon or this evening before surgery tomorrow--which I haven't had very much time to even deal with that. I hope I get some good news, but my husband and I are in agreement that we won't prolong suffering for her if that's going to be the case.

Thanks again for all the comments of support and concern. They really do make a difference. I hate that all I have to report these days are disasters and broken hearts, but this, too, shall pass...