the letter I'd like to write...

Dear Tampon Manufacturer,

I just wanted to write and tell you how grateful I am for your ingenuity and concern for women. Your built-in alert system for tampons is truly a spectacular example of fine engineering and design.

I have gotten out my meter and was so amazed that you've hit 80 decibels with your new wrapper. I almost cried when I saw the improvement. Every time I go to the bathroom during "that time of the month" I can truly be assured that your new alert system will notify the entire building of my activities. I can't thank you enough for this wonderful and discreet method of communication. My boss is especially happy about the wrapper because I don't have to spend time sending out those annoying emails anymore!

Another reason I am writing is to share with you some of my business ideas for your incredibly crinkly super-wrapper. You know the Superbowl is right around the corner. Why not encourage the female fans to recycle their wrappers and use them as economical noise makers?! Another fantastic idea I had is to use the wrappers for a new, stronger type of papier mache. If concerned women would donate their discarded wrappers to elementary schools, we could solve the arts crisis for public school children. Hey, after the Super Bowl, all the women could collect the wrappers in a big barrel...what a great charity project that would be!

And just to let you know the wrappers, when connected, make one of the finest novelty yarns I've ever seen. I have knitted up both a summer jacket and matching skirt. When knitted, the wrappers are not as noisy--and they dye great!

But it's the noise they make that will make you extra millions. I've never seen a noisier material. You should be congratulated and I personally salute the scientists who worked so hard to come up with this material. It must have taken years to create something that noisy!

Sincerely,
Happy Tampon User