Monday, June 19, 2006

countdown to chaos...

It's a mere two months until I leave a communications career of 17 years. I had hoped to stay on part-time while I finished school, but they wouldn't arrange it for me...which, well...I'll be nice.

So, I'm about to leave a group of people, some with whom I've worked since 1989.

Nineteen-eighty-nine...When I had big hair and wore skirts so short it made my boss nervous. I was a freakin' kid. In a company that's grown to nearly 8,500 employees, there have been many departments and companies to provide change, and I've held many jobs while I've been here, albeit all in marketing/pr/communications.

I actually used my degree.

Fancy that.

Now I'm 2 1/2 semesters away from getting another degree that will launch another career. I wonder if I'll work at the same place for 17 more years? Who knows? I seem to be one of those people who grow roots wherever they land. That's good. That's bad.

Every once in a while I think of leaving this relatively safe job and I get a jolt of electricity in the old solar plexus - the reeling sort of feeling you get when you realize that, yes, you did in fact miss that nail with the hammer, and yes, you just smashed your finger into its fascimile three times the original size.

Objects are (much) closer than they appear.

It's sneaking up on me and I'm starting to miss people. People I've really enjoyed working with are actually sad. Hell, I didn't even know you liked me! I guess a few people do. They must not have been faking it.

I worry about writing and editing - and stuff. Will I suddenly become illiterate when I leave this field where I work and play with words all day? Will I forget all the proofreader's marks? Will I actually attend the Writer's Guild I just joined so I can stay involved with my "writing side?" Or maybe I'll start using sentence fragments a lot? Or maybe all the time. Or maybe in addition to forgetting that "alot" is really two words. Oh, the worry, the angst, the adjectives of it all!

Will I forget how to code simple webpages? I work with our intranet everyday; soon, not at all. Will I never close a tag again? Will I become isolated in a big ocean of non-gadgety information and never live up to my dream of being a wanna-be nerd?

I didn't expect to be scared. I didn't expect to grieve the end of this career that has been on my nerves for so long. I didn't expect to whine this much.

(I didn't expect anyone to read this!)


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