First, thank you for getting this far into the letter. I would like to ask for a few things that would make my life sooooo much easier. Yes, they are rather mundane and ordinary, but gosh, if you are throwing money into the fireplace for fun, well, please reconsider and buy me the following items:
A cleaning person, because...I relapse into major depression when I look at how much hair and dirt is produced by two slobbering puppies who ingest large items of furniture and constantly wrestle; thereby coating everything within a 10-foot radius with skidmarks, hair, eye boogers and drool; a 14 year-old cat who won't stay out of the garbage, steals dog food and chews through plastic bread, cracker and coffee bags; a 13 year-old cat whose periodontal disease causes a constant drip of vicious-smelling spit; a 12 year-old cat who has recently decided to lose control of his bowels for no medically discernable reason; and two 2 year-old cats who attack one another atop the armoire, sending hair clods into the air like furry scud missles falling to Earth. And dear God, bless little Pickles, our 14 year-old dog, who mostly sleeps and couldn't care less about making a mess of anything.
A new mailbox (pictured for your viewing pleasure), because...some asshole keeps hitting a homer on ours. Sometime last night the entire top half and door underwent a decapitation process. (I wonder what the mailman will do with our mail today? I can't believe he just laid it in there!)
A real garage, because...ours is a giant storage closet. And being built in 1930, the doors are hardly automatic as well being just wide enough for a Model T.
One year's salary, because...I would just like to go to school and fulfill my internship for my last year.
New throw rugs, because...the 12-year old cat ruined my favorite two rugs, not to mention the hardwood floor underneath (throw in hardwood floor refinishing, also, please).
Someone to come in and wash all of my underwear, because...the pair I have on today has a big hole in them.
That should do it for today. Tomorrow I'll probably have more items for you. This week would be good. Have your people call my...uh...me.
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