Friday, September 05, 2003

someone is angry...

I think one of my cats is campaigning against me. The downstairs smells like ammonia, you know, cat pee. I admit I have logged a lot of doggie time recently and the cats have not gotten their usual brushings (which they love), but, jeez, do they have to pee on my stuff? Too bad they don't have opposable thumbs; they could make use of a complaint box and just LET ME KNOW what I've done wrong.
What's worse is that I can smell it, but I can't find it. It's just around, wafting, making me nauseous. For some reason I think it's Atticus because he's been meowing like a mad kitty lately-"gimme this...gimme that...pick me up...let me have some of that...pick me! NOW!!!"

The Suspects:


Age: 11

Make: male feline

Model: orange domestic

Criminal Tendencies: Chewing into coffee bags, chewing through treat bags, peeling caps from treat canisters and gorging himself (and puking it back up), getting miffed if other cats come around while he's getting his "mommy-time," tripping you by making "crazy eights" around your legs anytime you head toward the kitchen, stealing socks by the dozens as soon as the lights go out, trying to get into the laundry chute, opening cabinet doors and hiding in the recesses of storage, staring at you while you are on the loo, sitting in chairs at the table while you eat and begging like he's going to die without a bite of your dinner, chewing on really noisy plastic bags, attacking the other cats after inhaling catnip or getting brushed.


Age: 13

Make: male feline

Model: white, obese, deaf, domestic cat

Criminal Tendencies: Puking a lot, lying across your face while you sleep and thereby suffocating you or depositing large amounts of cat hair in your nostrils and/or mouth, purring insanely loud directly into your ear, yowling deaf-cat-yowls in the middle of the night, scrubbing his face and teeth on the wrought iron headboard as soon as the lights go out (clunk-clink-clank-clink-snort-slurp-purrrrr-r-r-rr) until you have gone quite mad, sneezing snot across your face, commandeering your pillow the moment your head moves from it, pooping just over the edge of the litter box (he stands in the box, but isn't quite aware where the chute is aimed), sleeping and depositing hair all over fresh laundry, chasing the dogs and giving them the spread-paw pffwwwwaaap!


Age: 10

Make: male feline

Model: white and tan Manx

Criminal Tendencies: Slobbering in your hair while you sleep, "making biscuits" in your hair while you sleep (i.e. ripping your hair OUT), licking wildly, sneezing snot on your face, meowing constantly until you pick him up (for as long as it takes), jumping up on EVERYTHING, staring until you give in, sneaking out the door, butting up against your black pants and leaving a giant swath of white hair, attacking the other cats with the bear-hug-takedown tactic, fighting the sheets while you put them on the bed, whining and giving the dogs a wimpy smack before running away in protest.


Age: 9

Make: male feline

Model: grey, brown, black domestic (we suspect some Maine Coon)

Criminal Tendencies: Boring inch-deep holes into your leg when startled, staring at your face from 1 1/2 inches away in the morning and effectively scaring the shit out of you when you first open your eyes, refusing to eat the "soft" treats and waiting to the side for his special little pile of tartar control crunchy treats, impatient meowing while you brush your teeth because he knows his breakfast is next--"hurry up, you slob, I'm hungry!!" Hiding for an hour at a time just so he can watch you run around in a tearful panic searching for him, hogging the catnip by laying himself spread-eagle across the entirety of the stash, and last but not least, torturing moles and bringing them to you as presents.

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