welcome 2004...

It's almost here and quite frankly, I'm more than ready to let go of 2003. It was a rough year with lots of personal tests along the way.

There are some new/renewed things I want to try in 2004 (part of my "exploring" for the new year):

pinhole camera photography (Quaker Oats, here I come!)

get back to my B/W 35mm photography; I started getting sort of good at it and got lazy...

oil pastels (mainly of animals--I'm obsessed with animal portraits)

get back to writing poetry (it's where I came from)

get back to playing my piano (I can't figure out what has happened there)

resume fiddle lessons (so much fun!)

maybe a little oil painting for fun (exercising different muscles)

triangular weaving (my mom built three looms for me!!!!)

I think one of the most wonderful things I have found out about blogging is that I have found so much inspiration in other artists and crafters. I mean, some of you guys are just INCREDIBLE! Painters,collage artists, writers, photographers, sculptors, silversmiths, fiber artists, you name it! There's even a group of you knitters whom I personally identify as "Scary Knitters"--you people frighten me you are so prolific and skilled. Don't you ever sleep?

All of you guys are such a source of inspiration. Thank you for sharing your work and your wonderful gifts. Sometimes I feel alone in my aspirations, but having this e-connection to other similar folks has really given me a feeling of relatedness I needed, however virtual it might be. It's so nice to go to a blog and feel like "hey, we should live closer!"

Here's to 2004...I hope it's a fantastic and exciting year for you all! EXPLORE!!

Creation is a better means of self-expression than possession;
it is through creating, not possessing, that life is revealed.
--Vida D. Scudder (social activist and educator)

spinning and such...

Finally, some photos. Here is the hand-dyed angora/silk/wool I spun up and Navajo-plied. I started a little neck scarf (one end is pulled through the hole) last night. I hope I'll finish it tonight.

Next batch (from L to R): 2 ply Shetland, commercially dyed blue wool sample, single ply merino cross I processed myself from raw fleece; Navaho-plied mohair, wool and silk from roving I got at SAFF. At the front is a little mystery sample skein.

And more lovely wool/mohair roving from SAFF I spun into two-ply. To the right, some merino I spun into thick singles--gonna dye it soon.

And of course the gratuitous picture of our youngest kitty, Grayson. He's sleeping on an afghan I knitted--between Daddy's ankles, who is watching the tube.

really?

From The Guardian:

A psychiatrist who evaluated Germany's self-confessed cannibal told the murder trial yesterday that Armin Meiwes was completely sane but had "emotional problems".

No shit.

monday...

I thought today was Monday, but I just realized today is Tuesday. How about that?

Last night I took pictures of all the yarn I spun and plied over November and December, as well as progress on a tiny pull-through handspun angora scarf I started last night. (I could only afford a tiny bit of the beautiful hand-dyed roving from a vendor at SAFF so there wasn't much yarn to play with after it was all spun up. I navaho-plied it and lo and behold, the plying technique does indeed preserve the color sequence just like the spinning gods said it would. I could have done a better job on spinning it, but it turned out okay...first time I've spun angora...much easier to mess up than with wool. I think I might try tonight to dye some of the skeins I've spun. Ooooooh, fun! I'm stuck doing laundry all night tonight anyway.

So, why aren't you seeing any of those pictures? That would be because I forgot to bring my USB card reader with me. Yup...brought everything with me except for that handy little tool. You'll have to wait until evening. I know you are balling your eyes out.

I'm off to eat crackers for lunch and knit a few rows on my angora scarf. What an exciting life I have.

moving right along...

Ah, crap. Back at work. But that's okay--it's a short week (again, woo-hoo!).

So, to recap this stellar year of 2003:

I gained the 30 pounds back that I lost.

We went totally broke.

I started selling my artwork in earnest.

I learned to spin and got a wheel.

I bought way too many knitting books and had no time to knit.

I spun more yarn than I know what to do with.

I destashed my commercial yarn by at least one-third on Ebay.

I made my first non-A (B+) in grad school.

I got to enjoy two one-week classes with Jean Hicks and Akira Blount.

I found out that Akira's first name used to be Betty.

I found out that my dad has learned to show some love and sympathy.

I learned that there is yet more serious work to do in my marriage but feel confident we are going to make it for the first time.

I realized that I need a bigger support network.

Daddy's kitty, Peanut, passed away from a cancerous tumor.

I didn't get my hair cut even once in 2003.

I quit coloring my hair.

I colored my mom's hair for the first time in her life. We both hated it.

I got a drum carder (oh-la-la!).

I got my first pair of Brittany birch knitting needles. Now I wish all my needles were Brittanys.

I made my husband swear he wouldn't back out on a hobby farm when we can afford it.

I learned how to Navajo ply and make silk fusion.

I actually printed business cards for my artwork.

My dogs continued to get fatter, as both my husband and I did.

I gave up on one of my old friends.

I made new friends.

and it was good...

I had a great Christmas. I felt connected to my family...shopping was kept to a minimum and I got some gifts from hubby that were really meaningful to me--one of which was a prayer box necklace. I am going to put into it my one and only resolution for 2004: "Explore."

Now, on to the pictoral:
Rasta Santa (played by my brother with my mother by his side) came to see us and gave us all prettily wrapped reindeer droppings...you should hear his Jamaican accent--my brother is so terribly white...


whilst Princess Sadie munched upon delicious Christmas rope monkey...


darling Pickles enjoyed treats of exotic biscuit...


and the kitties were enthralled with jungle toys of plush and feather...




all in all, we were exhausted from the excitement and fellowship Christmas brought to us in abundance. Atticus was the first to nap...


After Christmas, we gave my mother a surprise birthday party. It was her 70th! Happy Birthday Ma! You are awesome!

merry Christmas!!

I love Christmas. I really do. And to completely copy Lizzie's idea:

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.
-Dr. Seuss

I miss Dr. Seuss.

So, when I got home, the inevitable happened. I took the first niece's hat out of the running. I wasn't happy with it. The purple wool I made it with turned out to be a disappointment and wouldn't firm up the way I wanted it to. So I ditched it and laid out wool for TWO new hats--that had to be done in one night. These were "hats-on-a-ball" so I needed a partner to cover the wool with pantyhose (I'll explain this all someday with pictures so you can see what the process is). But hubby didn't get home until 8 p.m. Yikes! I was getting really nervous, especially since these hats were going to be the girls' main Christmas presents from us. But, as luck would have it, they both turned out really great and I actually got to bed at a decent hour. I used superfine Merino wool which felts really fast and smooth. I think I turned these two out at absolutely record time. No matter how bad I feel, felting almost always makes me feel better. It's great upper-body exercise and so satisfying to me. Now, the challenge is to get them DRY before tomorrow morning!!! Merino really hangs onto moisture. I guess the hairdryers will have to come out tonight.

Speaking of tonight....my family is coming over for a little potluck Christmas fun. My family is very laid back so I don't have to scrub the house with a toothbrush like some people feel obligated to do. It should be fun and the cats will be thrilled to have eight more hands in the house to pet them!

Then later tonight, hubby and I will exchange stockings and give the pups and kitties their presents. I will be sure to take pictures.

Tomorrow, we trek over to spend Christmas morning with hubby's family and the nieces. It should be fun and I will be excited to see the girls in their hats. They are really well-off financially and sometimes I really worry about them becoming spoiled. They get so many presents that they get TIRED of opening them. That's too much. They get everything they want all the time. Oh well, I don't have kids, so I guess I shouldn't talk, but I just worry that they will not understand the difference between things and love. I think that's why I like to MAKE something for them because it's not a store-bought luxury.

Hubby and I will exchange our few gifts somewhere in there...we haven't decided where we fit in the schedule just yet.

And I am so thankful for all the wonderful blessings I have enjoyed this year and continue to enjoy.

Whatever holiday you celebrate, I hope yours is filled with love and generosity of spirit!

OH, I ALMOST FORGOT: TODAY IS MY BROTHER'S BIRTHDAY---HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO'!!!!! LOVE YA!

whine.com

That's what I should call my blog at this point. And I'm about to do it again today. After taking my first dose of mega-biotics, I woke up with the most tremendous headache I have ever had in my life. I was getting sick to my stomach, could only open my eyes to slits and stare straight ahead. Like Joe Schmoe says "What is going on?!!!" Anyway, I had to take some headache medicine (that made about 25 pills fighting over my body) and lay back down for a while. Maybe I should rename the blog "pill-popper.com."

The bladder infection symptoms have been greatly lessened. And THAT IS A GOOD THING. I peed a beautiful emerald green this morning. I was hoping it would be blue. I really am not fond of emerald green. Oh well. I don't expect peeing to be an artistic endeavor. I've been sent to the urologist again for January. Going to see the urologist rates pretty high on the humiliation scale. Pretty soon I won't even care if I'm walking naked down the street.

Last night I mustered up the energy to crank out one the niece's hats. One more to go before Christmas, which is uh, soon. I'm a little disappointed in what I made last night, but I'm not sure I feel up to redoing it. The silk separated a little from the wool and though no one other than a fellow felter would even take note of such a thing, it bothers me. The more I think about it, the more it bothers me. I guess I'll wait until it's drier before I panic.

Friends M and B bought my dinner last night before I embarked on the hatmaking. Thanks! They both ordered hats for one another, but neither knew. It made for some careful conversations on my end. I couldn't let one know the other had talked to me. I almost felt (ha, no pun intended) bad taking money from both of them. It was kind of funny I guess. They've already exchanged gifts before heading out of town to see family and love their hats. I made a question mark hat with a navy background for B and the whipstitched toque (one of my favorites) got resized and went to M. Thanks guys! Hope you enjoy them.

Afterthought--Sheesh, and then tomorrow my family is coming over. Gotta cook. Christmas Eve is also my brother's birthday--gotta get a card. Then Saturday there's my mother's surprise birthday party for which I need to go get decorations and make her hat. These antibiotics better start hoofing it--I gotta lot to do!

choose your poison...

Back from the doc with a script for mega-antibiotics and a pill that makes my pee turn blue. Yee-haw. Surprise, I have a bladder infection. Duh.

aw shit.

Crap. The doc's nurse pratitioner called back and said I have to come in today. Expletive!!! Expletive!!! Expletive!!! Expletive!!! Expletive!!! Expletive!!! I know why I'm peeing blood. I've had these gawd-awful things three million times. I've already been to the urologist, the uro-gynecologist (who gives me the creeps) and everyone else in the world. Bleh. Now I have to pee in a cup. Again. Bah! Bah! Maybe I can just install a line from my toilet to the doctor's office so they can examine everything I excrete. Here's your daily pee and poo, Dr. C (primary care), Nurse P. H (the nurse practitioner at Dr. C's office, Dr. L (gynecologist), Dr. F (urologist) and Dr. D (uro-gynecologist--the one who creeps me out). Hey, maybe *I* am the reason for the high cost of healthcare!

Makes sense to me.

uggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Well, now I know why have a been so sluggish and feeling really hot over the past couple of days (needing no coat in 25 degree weather just ain't normal). I have a terrible bladder infection, of which the symptoms decided to appear at full blast last night. Oooooooooooh. Miserable. Just taking a piss brings uncontrollable tears to my eyes. I called the doc first thing to try and get some antibiotics to get it under control. I have interstitial cystitis, a chronic inflammation of the bladder, so it's really easy for me to get these little bastards. Usually I can get it under control with over-the-counter meds, but not this one. This one has laughed at the little orange pills and continued to make me miserable. Bah!

The situation with the loved one is under control, thanks to good old fashioned communication. I had to say some things that were horribly uncomfortable, but getting it all out on the table helped a lot.

I got another hat order 90 percent done over the weekend, which is a good thing. I am going to try and finish it up over lunch.

Must...drink...water...

wtf?????

Roto-Rooter stock jumps on purchase of rest of Vitas Healthcare
This is one of those times when it's perfectly acceptable to just turn your head to the side and say "huh?"

deactivate cloaking device...

I am usually really excited when Christmas comes. I love the lights, the food, the fun, the gifts, the ringing of the Salvation Army bells... this year just seems more depressing, stressed and unhappy. Being suddenly broke beyond belief will do that to you. And I have unresolved issues with a loved one that is causing me great misery. In fact, it is probably more the reason for my feelings of general misanthropy. I don't like being angry and sad. I've been that way too much in my life already.

So, I guess I have to do something about the problem--direct my anger toward the appropriate target instead of swallowing it and having a constant tension headache or spewing at the general public. Sigh. I want things to be better now. I'm tired of keeping my chin up, playing like everything's great. I could whine out a War and Peace, but I'm not going to.

I know when I don't feel like felting, knitting or spinning, drawing, sewing, or eating, the juices are really out of balance...and today the juices are sour.

Maybe I'll actually take a picture of the mountain of yarn I have spun over the last month or so. Sadie is keeping me company right now--maybe she can talk some sense into me with those forlorn big beagle eyes of hers.

plain scary...

Hampton Ghost? Quite frankly, I hope not...I finally talked myself out of believing in such things.
UPDATE: A-Ha!!!! BARRY AT THE INN HAS DISCOVERED THE TRUE IDENTITY OF THE GHOST! AMAZING WORK, BARRY!

just when you thought...

It puts the Michael Jackson trial into perspective and worsens my already haughty mood.
U.S. Intelligence Learn of Possible Threats to New York and Other Cities.

BTW, I think poor Michael is sadly disturbed but not a molester...but only two people know for sure...just like the Kobe trial...only he and the gal knows for sure who did what.

I have Christmas-itis...

In other words, I am quite good for nothing. I am doing a bang-up job at procrastinating, though. In fact, I think I might deserve a black belt in the field. I have a lot of stuff to do. Occasionally I admire the length of my to-do list and then go back to the grueling work of procrastinating. Then I might drift off momentarily into a daydream only to be drawn back to the to-do list, except this time I've thought of something to add to it.

"There, that's six weeks of work due in the next 48 hours." Then, once again, I become impressed by my pretend productivity and promptly drift off into a sugar-laden-Christmas-cookie-induced stupor. Maybe it's the 300,000 grams of saturated fat coursing through my veins that is slowing me down. It makes sense that synaptic transmission would suffer when the viscosity of your body fluids becomes similar to Crisco. Slow, but deliciously crispy on the edges. I'm probably flammable. And feeling quite baked.

I must depart to stare at my list.

and then a chuckle...

Traverse to Barry's Inn. I knew it all along...

how neat is THAT?!

From the mailbox, sent by my good friend LeeAnn:

"Every now and again there comes down the pike a graphic so good the fresh concept blows you away. This is one such. The University of Poland science students have finally finished their digital clock they have been working on for 4 years. Obviously they have far too much time on their hands.

Go to this site to see the results: Cool Clock. Wait for it to load. This is a real clock."

whew...

The semester's grades are in. I was really worried about this semester because I really had to cram a lot, hurry through papers and even missed a quiz altogether. I was so pleasantly surprised when I got an A and a B+!!! My graduate 4.0 is ruined, but that's a ridiculous goal to have anyway. I can live with a 3.94 average. Ahhhhhh, sometimes it is worth it to bust your ass. I am so happy that all those late nights and frantic efforts to get caught up paid off. What a load off.

I just realized I have five hats to do. Mmm. Better get busy. Two due this week. Two as gifts next week. And one more for my mother's 70th birthday on the 27th. She wants a black hat with orange swirls in it--to signify her allegiance to the Lady Vols, of course. She called me crying the other night because they had won in overtime. Sheesh, you gotta love a fan like that. Usually she's at the games, but she's had a terrible sinus infection and was relegated to watching the last game or two at home. She said she had gritted her teeth so hard during the game that she didn't know if she could eat. Oy Vey! What a nut! I just love her.

post-Saddam monday...

I'm glad Saddam was captured. I think it is a momentary relief. Finally, one thing can be crossed off the list--finished...unlike many other things.

Did I felt anything this weekend? No. I couldn't quit spinning. I have spun a small mountain of yarn over the last couple of weeks. I don't even have anything in mind to knit with it...just spinning. It's relaxing. I need relaxation.

Usually by this time our Christmas tree is dwarfed by a gazillion presents under the tree and the stockings are stuffed round. This year there's not one present yet and the stockings are empty. Bummer. But, in a way, it's been good for us to be stripped of our material comforts. When we get unhappy, we don't go shopping to entertain ourselves, we talk. We used to be far too indulgent. Now we are forced to recognize what's really important: love, communication, family, friends and health. Things will get better and there will be a few presents under the tree soon, but nothing like the extravaganza of years past. But just like Whoville, Christmas will come to our home anyway, full of joy and thankfulness.

it's going to be that kind of Christmas...

My husband sent me the nicest Christmas card. Sound required. For sure.

who is this woman and what does she want?

I haven't felt like myself all week, alternately feeling physically rotten and emotionally rotten. I guess times are just hard for us right now. Money is nil this year and Christmas has been scaled WAY back. In one way it's nice to not have to shop so much for everyone, but in another way, it's kind of sad.

My company decided to take out the taxes due on my tuition reimbursement spread over the two checks before Christmas. Gee, thanks. That was $400 I wasn't going to use anyway. Now, I don't have to worry about shopping at all...I just have to worry about being able to pay the freakin' bills. I started to just crawl under the covers at 7:30 last night and whimper strange nonsense, but I decided to make myself get up and do some wooly things. I carded part of a merino cross fleece I had washed a few weeks ago and started spinning it. I can't quit spinning long enough to knit something. I think I'm going to overdye this yarn I'm spinning--maybe olives, browns and bronze. It would make a nice heathered yarn as it's kind of a beigey-grey color (moorit? can't remember the proper name).

I need to do some serious felting this weekend so I'll feel better. I have lots of new ideas to try.

no nativity scene in DC this year...

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Ha.

I am getting old. I watched part of the VH1 awards (or some awards show) and the whole rap thing just escapes me. I don't identify it as music. Maybe performance art, but not music. And I don't understand the "I am cool because I can't string a sentence together" type of persona. Is it cool to be uneducated and stupid? And I can't figure out why Pink insists on sharing her crack (of her ass, that is). I don't mind, but I live in fear that her pants will be strewn about her ankles with the next writhing move she makes. Shania Twain did a nice job singing, but she scares me. I don't usually comment on people's clothes, but apparently someone from the short bus is her stylist. She would have looked bad in the 80's.

In other news, I had one of those very lengthy nightmares last night. It was the kind of nightmare that would make Stephen King look like a children's book writer. Heads got chopped off. Brains were stolen and reinserted in other heads. Giant spiders crawled around and sprouted attacking tentacles. I think I have some heavy duty psychic conflict brewing in there. I was impressed with the storyline and art direction though. I'm giving myself an Oscar for best horror flick of 2003. Seriously, although I hate nightmares, I feel more alive and connected today than I have in the past couple of days. I think I was just emotionally constipated and my nightmare was well...the release. Hey, you have to look at the bright side.

The black hat I was working on is finished and ready to be delivered, although it is still a tad bit damp. I wish I had taken a picture of it. Crap.

Have a great day everyone.

not one of THOSE days again...

Yeah. I'm trying terribly hard to NOT whine. Oh, to hell with it. I'm just yackety-blah. I can't understand why I am so tired. Maybe I am still fighting off a bug of some sort. Or still recovering from the marathon of studying. I hate it when you are inbetween something you are not aware of and something else you are not aware of. In other words, if I'm getting something I'd like to go ahead and come down with it or just feel good again, but the fact is I feel bad and I'm not sure why. Karma, you can bite me! No wait, I didn't mean that.

Anyway, I DID finally get up enough energy late last night get a custom order hat done. Black. Just black. Looks nice. Still have a little work to do on the brim. She wants something a little flatter than the roll...so I'll work on that tonight.

C'mon energy, where are you? I melting here.

p.s. But on one very bright note, the new KNITTY is online. And it is tres delicious! Especially KYOTO. but I would make the sleeves longer (the too-long look, me likey). I might have to try some of my handspun for a nature-girl type of version. What? I have time to KNIT!???? Well, in MY mind I do. But not for long.

peeking around the corner...

to say "hi." I really didn't feel well today and missed work (not good). I'm feeling like I am running on empty. Maybe tomorrow I will be myself again--much to the chagrin of the general population! ;-)

it's the end of the world...

I mean really. When you are the first in a Google search for "supplier of urine collection hats," it's time to pack it in and take the secret-agent-last-resort-poison-pill. Gah, what a crappy Monday.

Remo is cool...

I have always loved raccoons. They're smart, crafty, smart-alecky and cute as buttons. I read all about Remo this past weekend. He is a raccoon that couldn't be returned to the wild, so now he's a pet. Boy, wouldn't I love to have a pet raccoon!!!! Of course, I would immediately be single again--seems as though having a raccoon is like having a very naughty 2 year-old who never grows up. I guess I'll just have to read about Remo instead.

lazy, good-fer-nothin'....

I was SO lazy yesterday. I got up, made french toast (or Fronch Toast for Cusack fans) for hubby and I and went back to sleep until...3 p.m. Then I spun wool on the spinning wheel for the rest of my waking hours. I am shocked that I could fall back asleep before midnight. Well, I wanted a restful weekend after the semester was over, and by golly, I got it.

I have a lot to do today. I don't seem to be moving terribly fast though. This could be a problem. I still feel sleepy from yesterday. I keep daydreaming about a small hobby farm someday with a sheep or goat named Strudel. I always thought I'd gravitate toward a big city, but I just love animals and nature too much.

Which reminds me of poop.

Which reminds me of Baxter. Our big white deaf cat was doing his usual "pay-attention-to-me-or-else" stomping across our upper chests while we tried to read the paper in bed when I heard "Uuuuuuuuughhhhh!" Baxter had paused on my hubby's chest with his butt square in his face; however, kitty made it extra interesting for him. He had a big dingleberry dangling from his tushy. And it was about the size of half my pinky finger. "Uuuuuuggghhhhh! YOU have to get it off!" my husband said. So I got some toilet paper and extracted the poo that was stuck in kitty's hair. Hubby said he had quite a funny expression on his face when I pulled it off. Despite his lack of finesse when it comes to the potty, Baxter's puking has dramatically decreased since we put him on Science Diet Sensitive Stomach. The damn stuff costs an arm and a leg, but maybe the savings in toilet paper will offset the expense.

Gah. Back to work. Bleh.

bam!

That was the quickest tree decorating ever.

We decorated our tree tonight. We even sprang for some wine, and I made dinner, and pretend-homemade cookies later. We ate. And it was good.

But, that reminds me of the really interesting tree we got when I was in my late teens. It seemed like such an ordinary tree. It was green and it had branches. It smelled nice and had a good shape. It went into the tree stand just fine. As is customary, we let it sit there overnight to let the branches find their happy places with plans to decorate the next night.

The next night, after staying in the nice warm house for 24 hours, we found out the tree had already been decorated.

Oh, yes.

What we hadn't noticed when we set up the tree were hundreds of little cocoons and nests.

Oh, yes. This is going exactly where you think it is.

When it was time to decorate, the tree was full of hundreds and hundreds of newly "hatched" preying manti. *willies* And they were EVERYWHERE. And it's really funny because I vividly remember freaking out and yelling for my mom, but I don't remember a thing afterward. I have somehow forgotten the aftermath. Perhaps I ate them.

Not.

I am sure my poor mother had to take care of the whole thing while I pranced around screaming "Oh my Gawd! Oh my Gawd! Oh my Gawd! Oh my Gawd!" and "Ewwwwwwwww!" All I have to say is thank God she grew up on a farm. And I ain't kiddin' about that.

shouldn't things taste better?

The tastebud from Three Mile Island has appeared again. Every once in a while, I have a rogue tastebud that's simply not content to be one of the little guys. It happens about every three months or so--some smart-aleck tastebud gets the big idea of becoming a glorified tongue zit.

I drive down the road sticking my tongue out in the rearview mirror trying to identify the bud of dissention with no luck, despite the fact that it feels like a giant pencil eraser that's been eroded by caustic stomach juices. Nevermind that.

Truth be known, it's sore because I won't quit playing with it. I keep rolling my tongue around it, pinching it and sucking on it (get your mind out of the gutter). Or it could be there's an angry uprising of the adjacent little tastebuds because they are jealous of the obvious individuality of the one who risen above them all. Or even more likely, the skinny buds are making fun of the big bud. That, my friends, is discrimination.

So, I think if I am going to be plagued by a giant asteroid of a tastebud things should be tasting a whole lot better. But they don't. I keep trying though.

not a pretty sight...

Read before opening the picture linked below. This is a rather graphic picture of an overdose, not for shock value, but in hopes that you parents who read the blog will have a frank discussion with your kids about knowing their limits and when to just walk away.

When you view this picture, remember: this didn't have to happen.

ahhhhhhhh.....

I'm ahhhhhh-h-h-h-h-ing over exams being over with. The psychopathology exam was even harder than I thought it would be and I probably studied at least seven hours for it. It was one of those multiple choice exams where there's a MOST right answer, a certainly plausible answer, one obviously wrong answer and another answer that sounds like it could be it, but you're not sure if it's wrong or if you just skimmed a part of the text and missed it. Oh, and then there was "all of the above" or "none of the above." It was all I could do to not just stick my pen straight into my dried out eyeballs. The other exam turned out to be easier than I thought--which was a really nice surprise.

We had our last group intervention meeting last night and it was sad to say goodbye to everyone. We talked about what we would take away from the group and what we would leave behind. I was especially glad that I got to give feedback to a particular person with whom I was having a hard time connecting. I'm sappy as hell, so it was really touching for me. We had pizza, gabbed a bit more, said our "happy holidays" and departed. I can tell terminations will not be easy for me as a therapist. But I will NOT miss being in class until 10 p.m. on Tuesday nights.

Tonight's agenda is knitting, spinning, husband hugs, kitty and puppy hugs and a movie!!!!

c'est fine!

It is done. Exams are over. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................*zzz-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z*
Thanks for all the good lucky charms!!!

short blog hiatus...

Slogging through final exams...be back in a couple of days. Carry on without me... *sniff*

I need another pill...

for paranoia that is. Oh dear. It turns out I misinterpreted the message sent to me by the feltmaker who also does swirls. Egads. She didn't mean to encroach upon my designs at all, but was just sharing that she was doing a similar hat and that she greatly admired mine. I had to send a message back telling her how embarrassed I was for becoming slightly protective. I feel like a moron. I should feel like a moron. I'm always assuming the worst.

Maybe I should be a lawyer.

maybe I overreacted...

Just that--about the hat, I mean. I think I'm tense because I can't be with my hubby. I don't know. If I move more than four feet, my mother asks me what I'm doing. It's like being trapped with the Verizon guy, except it's "What are you doing now?" I'm a very quiet person, but she talks incessantly...her picture is in the dictionary under that word and her mouth is flapping away (an animated gif!)...we actually laugh about how much she talks.

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

Perhaps the turkey is killed at Thanksgiving as an act of sublimation. I wince, but oh how I love her still.

hell's fury should be tempered by good food and fellowship...

Thanksgiving has been weird. First, I'm separated (by miles, not by divorce) from my husband, which I don't like at all. And which neither of us will opt for again. Then, I cook a delicious dinner yesterday for my mom (I wanted to be with my mom this year)...that was good: watercress wheatberry quiche in phyllo dough, mixed spring greens for salad, pumpkin barley soup, homemade bread, etc. Yummy. Christmas music is in the background, despite the marital circumstances.

Then, today, I realize I have to get studying for my finals (background music changes from Major to minor key) and then I get this email from someone on the International Feltmaker's List that I am copying her hat design. Um, yeah. Turns out we both took a class from the same instructor, Jean Hicks and my "swirly" topped hats look like her "swirly" topped hats. She said she was contacting me for "ethical reasons." She was very nice about it. But, IF ANYTHING, we are BOTH copying Jean. Is the "swirl" copyrighted? (Changing from minor key to outright DIRGE here)... Am I going to be contacted by other feltmakers to retract my dome tops and tiers, rolled brims and use of hat bands? Has the Fedora been released from copyright? How about the pillbox? I guess it hacks me off because it's the holiday and she waited to drop said bomb on me then. I really am not sure what to do. There ARE other people who are inspired by the quintessential swirl...and I sent her links to those other folks who like to give their hats that structure, too.

On a brighter note...Thanks for all the nice holiday and hat comments everyone has been leaving. Here's hoping you were with the ones you loved and ate all you could hold.

Oh well, there's some Dos Equis in the fridge...and some chilled pumpkin pie. My mom is still here tooling around and driving me somewhat insane...I love her anyway. :-) For all you grammar grapplers, I'm too lazy to go back and change my tenses... heh

happy thanksgiving...

Happy Thankgiving everyone! It also just happens to be the Rocky Top Brigade's Tailgate Party today, hosted by our favorite Hillbilly, Buddy Don. His blog is hysterical...especially if you are from the South.

chick in a hat...

Go see how cute Lori looks in her hat! Oh, I am so pleased...I think it suits her nicely. Thanks again Lori...I am so happy that you are pleased with it! Also check out Lori's fantastic Art Cards...wonderfully whimsical and beautiful!

redneck rollercoaster...

A "friend" of mine took a picture of this homemade rollercoaster in a nearby small town. Redneck ingenuity is wonderful, ain't it? (I was born and raised here; I can say that...) Click for the glorious full view.

snap!

I was about to snap yesterday. It took me almost two hours to take my "quiz" last night. Man, I will be sooooo glad when this semester is over. Plus, I was having a serious financial crisis yesterday that had me really stressed out. I got that resolved, not really happily, but resolved nevertheless. Financial strain really gets me in a bad mood quickly. So I am in better mood today.

And speaking of today...it feels like WINTER outside. Two days ago it was 70 degrees. Today, it's officially nippy and cold. I wanted to wear one of my hats, but I can't wear the merchandise! I need to make more for myself, so I'll have hats for all outfits. I have some new styles in mind that I want to try, too. There just doesn't seem to be enough time to do all that I want to do! Most hats I see that are similar in quality to mine are about $125 and up, so I don't feel like I'm overcharging, although I'm probably ripping myself off in the process. The wool I use is top-notch and really expensive, so I need to be careful...I have a hard time charging people. And I have to force myself to not do trades all the time so I can get other artist's cool stuff. Bleh. I'll be glad when we get through this tough spot and get back to having a normal life. We are truly scraping by. I want to do my fiber arts so bad though that I'll work my ass off, even though I know I'm making about dollar an hour. You have to start somewhere. And it has paid some bills for us.

Oh, I'm rambling...more later. Today's my long day...in class until 10 pm...bleh.

if it only made sense...

Isn't this just a little weird? Here, come pet the one that we aren't going to kill and eat its body...of course we'll rip out the innards, the feet and other "unattractive parts." But isn't he cute? Nice little turkey. I could be a better vegetarian, as in I could read the label on EVERYTHING to make absolutely sure all ingredients were not derived from meat juices, etc., and I could NEVER buy leather shoes again (which I do try ever so hard, but break down about once a year in disgust of the poor veggie selection). I did totally eschew leather clothing and bags. But I used to buy about 5-10 new pairs of shoes a year, so it's better for the wallet as well! I just don't understand how we can be sweet to some poor animal and turn around and send it to a slaughterhouse where animals wail and poop on themselves while in line because they can smell the blood and death that awaits them a few feet away on the killing floor. Egads, we are terrible keepers of the Earth. We have the choice and we choose to kill. I think that separates us from the animal world--in a bad way.

So, to completely contradict myself, I am glad that the sniper got the death sentence. Save the turkey (he didn't do anything except gobble); get rid of the guy (because he terrorized and killed his fellow human beings with no regrets). Makes sense to me. There aren't many social worker-types who believe in the death penalty, but I do--but only for the truly unconscientable acts of murder, torture and terror and when guilt is truly beyond the shadow of a doubt. BUT, I could NOT pull the switch or plunge the barrel. Go figure.

I also don't believe in the insanity plea. Really... even though I believe people can be and are perfectly insane with mental illnesses beyond their control. It's like letting someone off because they are "sick and demented" or "uncontrollably angry." It's tragic, but everyone is culpable in my opinion. If you shoot my mom while you are having a hallucination, I think you should be held responsible. I think you SHOULD get help during the time served, but you shouldn't get off "easy" in terms of sentencing because of it. I wouldn't want to see your ass back out on the street a mere five years later because you got on anti-psychotics and you got to feeling better.

I must be feeling bitchy today. What the hell. Lunch is over.

spinning out of control...

I can't stop spinning. I can't stop spinning when I need to be studying. Washing fleece, carding, spinning...spinning roving I got from from SAFF, spinning and plying...2-ply, Navajo ply, spinning, spinning, spinning. Just me and my little Ashford Kiwi. It's just a little beginner's wheel, but it does a nice job on the kinds of yarn I spin up. I'm just interested in the basics at this point. Spinning is just a wonderfully meditative activity--and God knows I need meditation right now.

Of course it would help to STUDY since all my finals are on or due by Dec. 2. And they ain't gonna be easy. I can't wait until this semester takes its claws out of me.

Thanksgiving is kind of a bittersweet holiday this year. Hubby will be with his family out-of-state and I'm going to stay here and spend some time with my mom. She didn't have any plans (as my family never does for any holiday), but I just have a feeling I should be with her, so that's what I'm going to do. Maybe it's because my mom turns 70 next month or because I've had dreams about losing her recently. Her mom died of a massive heart attack when she was only 44 years old, so I'm glad I've had her this long. My mom is really the only person in my family I'm very close to.

It's a rainy, cold Monday, but what do I care...I don't have a window to remind me...lucky me.

phew...

I am miserably failing on my promises of pictures... I promise there will be pictures soon. Things have been really busy and I had to prepare and send out several packages this morning to customers...one of which was Rase Hall Studios. Thanks Lori! Don't forget to check out her Art Cards. They are on my wish list for sure.

There are two batches of fleece drying on the deck and a navajo-plied skein getting the big stretch over the tub. I swear wool is going to start popping out of my ears...wait, that sounds kind of gross.

Yesterday was our annual marketing retreat. I never look forward to these things, but it was okay. Someone always puts on a cute skit that worth a big laugh and I got to relax with some people I don't get to spend a lot of time with. We did some Myers-Briggs testing and that's always fun to see what kind of personalities are in the room. I am still, and maybe even more so, an INFP. I scored ZERO on Extraversion!!! So, guess what, I'm usually not the person wearing the lampshade at the party...at least not the first.

Okay, I haven't eaten since breakfast I'm hungry...catch you in a little while.

name your PC day...

Yes, it's "Name Your PC Day." What idiot came up with that? Anyway, my PC is going to be "Winky" from now on.

I never did get around to posting pics of the skeins (shame on me). I'll try to do it tonight. Hubby and I ran errands most of the evening. I am having trouble getting a base on a project of mine that I need to send off post-haste. It's a big felted wool ball with a little dancing mini-doll on top--serves as a pin cushion--but I can't seem to get a suitable base. I think I'm just going to felt a rope for the ball to sit in. This is kind of a prototype, but it was requested from a lady who came to the Foothills Guild Fair, so I'm trying to get two of them done for her. In the future I want to weight them and put steel wool in the center so it will be a "self-sharpening" pin cushion. Ah, live and learn. I'll take a pic before I send them off.

Well, Winky and I need to get back to work, so we'll see you later.

not so bleh...

It's been cloudy and rainy for about three days now, which makes for a serious depletion of vitamin D. Whatever. I'm back to my cranky, but somewhat happy self today--just kinda tired. Group class was especially exhausting last night...a lot of heavy duty stuff happening to people in the group.

I can't hear out of my left ear...I suppose I've avoided going to the doctor long enough. After last year's barrage of doctor's appointments, surgeries, etc...I just don't wanna go to any of them anymore. I've filled my quota, damn it.

Hopefully I'll post some pictures of the skeins I've produced over the past few days...about 15 ounces of fiber! That's a lot of spinning and plying.

I had lots of weird dreams last night. That always begins my day in a sort of fog.

Baxter took pity on me last night and didn't try to suffocate me. I swear he reads my blog.

More later, but before I depart, I leave you with the GREEK MACHINE. Go forth and be nonsensically wordy.

bleh.

That's how I feel today. I am enduring a major tectonic plate shift in the hormonal landscape and I feel rather tired and melted. Just...bleh. Bleh is no good. Bleh must be endured with a kind heart, so person experiencing said "bleh" doesn't start feeling worried or guilty about being bleh. Bleh is a pain my ass. Bleh is exceptionally bleh when I don't get home until 10 pm from class tonight. Then I'll have to complain about being bleh and go right to bed--feeling bleh.

On another note, Baxter, our giant geriatric deaf white cat, has decided that he, too, could collect my life insurance by smothering me in my sleep. He prances around on the bed for several minutes at bedtime and finally settles...across my face. He positions himself so that there is a vacuum seal of cat flesh and hair around my nostrils. He's trying to kill me--purring all the while. I move and he slithers his fat little body right back over my face. I probably have two lungs full of dander. Maybe that's why I'm so bleh today...I'm not getting any oxygen at night.

Maybe I should nominate Baxter for the My Cat Hates You site.

p.s. Thanks everyone for the kind condolences for Peanut. She isn't suffering anymore, so we will just be glad we got the privilege of getting to know such a stellar little kitty.

what a bitch...

It's Monday and I'm at work. Bleh. Must study for lunch. Bleh.

I haven't been wanting to blog about Peanut, because she's gone. My dad had to put her to sleep. It took him two weeks to tell me about it. I was so busy with studying and the show that I didn't have time to keep up with what was going on (another reason to make sure you aren't so busy you miss important occurences). It broke his heart I think and my dad is not one to show any emotion or attachment to anything. It just sucks. He said little Peanut tried to follow him around and talk to him right up until the very end. Blessings, Peanut, you were a sweet little kitty...thanks for keeping my dad company while you were here.

On a brighter note, you should go see Lori's art cards. They are awesome! I'm going to get some when things are not quite so tight financially. I love the sense of whimsy she has in her beautiful work. I'm always running over to her art blog to get a dose of happiness.

no. no. NO!!

It can't be Sunday evening already. I have been so wonderfully RELAXED this weekend. I napped, watched movies...well, cleaned the house, but it had to be done. I had destroyed the place getting through my little busy spell. Right now, Rooney is on my lap purring away and I have been spinning yarn and Navajo plying it. I think Navajo plying is so cool that I'll spin just to ply. We rented Identity and it was pretty good. I love any movie that has Cusack in it. He picks the oddest and most wonderful scripts.

adding myself to the yack-o-meter...

I brought in one dozen hot Krispy Kreme doughnuts to the office this morning. Er, I accidentally ate four of them on the way in. I don't feel so good.

finally, the new hats...

I finally had a chance to update my website with the new hats. I'm really digging working with bunny wool. Mama wants bunnies now, too. Papa ain't so sure...

take a look-see...

The Volunteer Tailgate Party XV--Starfleet Version is over at Inn of the Last Home. Take a look at what this nutty bunch of people are up to.

I adored the movie...

now I adore the soundtrack...magical.

We all need a little more magic in our lives.

ha! ha! ha!

You have to see this sign taken at the Knoxville Zoo by Queen MedB.

it's only natural...

Hollywood, sensationalistic media and other blow-smoke-up-your-ass-types provide to us a mystical view of ordinary pain and suffering. And so that's my take on the treatment of the subject of dissociative identity disorder (used to be multiple personality disorder).

That was the subject in last night psychopathology class. People often confuse schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder, but they are extremely different illnesses. Schizophrenia is a disorder marked by severe disorganization of thought. Associations are terribly loose and sufferers battle against auditory hallucinations and often sound like they are just stringing miscellaneous words together (called "word salad").

Dissociative identity disorder is the occurence of two or more distinct personalities within one person. It is a rare disorder, although prevalence studies vary. It sounds like a Hollywood movie doesn't it? The Three Faces of Eve, Sybil...both real people; both recovered. In fact "Eve" later became an advocate for dissociative identity disorder research and treatment. We viewed an interview with Eve and she was a charming older lady at the time of the film's production. She was positive, compassionate and dedicated to helping others who suffered with the disorder. We also had the privilege of viewing another dissociative identity disorder patient who was 26 and had 10 personalities. Creepy, huh? And that's usually as far as people get---creepy.

But it isn't really creepy, it's an ingenious human survival reaction to situations that are beyond our tolerance. Most sufferers have been victims of tremendous abuse during childhood...things regular folks couldn't even dream up...being buried alive, burned, mutilated, tortured, sexually assaulted, beaten repeatedly, shocked...things that make us all shudder and recoil in disgust. So, these kids dissociate and become "separate" to survive. You've heard people say "I'm going to my happy place now" when things are unpleasant--it's the same concept, except to an unimaginable extreme. Different parts of their original personality become severely compartmentalized and they retreat to these different compartments to escape. The mind has protected the child, but the surviving adult is left with a highly complex and debilitating disorder. The goal of treatment is reintegration of the personality fragments and since these patients are usually highly motivated to get relief from the intense pain and confusion in their lives they supposedly have a good prognosis.

Great stuff for the cocktail party, eh?

whiplash...

As I know when I do too much and push myself over a ridiculous finish line, there's the aftermath...the letdown, the melting, the undoing, the unraveling and detangling. I know myself well enough to not pay attention to the tired feelings, insecurities and obsessive self-examination. I have to just quit and allow myself rest until I get my bearings again. It's like coming out of a fugue state...Iowa? how'd I get here? How did I gain that 15 pounds? What's the green stuff in the fridge? Bam...like a wet sock thrown against the wall.

I turned in a pretty mediocre research paper, but it was the best I could do under the circumstances and I am proud of that. I finished the online exam and got a decent grade. I'm between classes...one more to go and I'm going to right to bed. Tomorrow I'm going to bed immediately after work. And I can't wait to be LAZY, actually TALK to my husband, snuggle with my kitties and be slobbered on by my dogs.

After that, I might make a hat.

back from the dead...

No, wait, I'm still dead. And how.

I'm one little iota from just curling up in my office and balling my eyes out I'm so tired.

But first, craft fair news. The fair was really exhausting, but successful, althought I did about half the business I had hoped to do. Knoxville is hardly as hat-accepting as Nashville folks. Everyone went ooooh-ahhhh and went on and on but said they just don't look good in hats--even though they all looked great. Nashville folks weren't shy about it and flailed their arms about in excitement when they tried them on. But, probably about 75 people took cards and several folks wanted to know about custom hats including one charming woman who found an awesome bright pink cashmere coat at a vintage store and wants a custom hat to match it. I did sell my ghost town hat (it's black with white buildings on it)...it never makes it to the website before someone runs off with it...I guess I need to make more of those.

I also sold one of my big dolls...Penelope/Priscilla (I never could consistently call her one or the other). That was a big purchase. It's really hard to see the big dolls go, but it helps me move on to make more. The small Mini-Peep dolls sold out and I had to make more right there in the booth. People were buying them before I could finish them. Whew. No rest. But I could make little people all day...

The best thing about my booth was that it made people smile. When people tried on the hats they giggled and when they saw the dolls they stood and stared with the most charming child-like looks on their faces. It's the connection that feels so good.

So back to being dead. I am dead. I got so overtired that I lashed out at my husband after we got home in the most awful of ways. I balled my eyes out. I tried to work on my research paper immediately after the show. Finally, by 9 p.m. I could see straight and had cried myself into a state of stupor. I went to bed.

I got a call from my boss this morning and the layout I had ordered for this morning's meeting never got done while I was gone. She rescheduled the meeting with them but never called me back to tell me, so I went to the meeting anyway and met with the few people who actually showed up for it. That seemed awfully passive-aggressive to me. There wasn't anything I could do about it, but I have had to take off some vacation days to get school and arts stuff done by their respective deadlines, so... I dunno. I'm too tired to assume that kind of stuff. I think I get a little paranoid about others' intentions when I get too tired.

So, I have to pull a paper out of my ass tonight and take one of those dreadful online "quizzes." After class tomorrow night I am going to crash immediately after work for a couple of days and then clean up the horrible mess I've made of the house at the end of the week.

And start all over again, I guess.

I'll be posting all the new hats later on this week, too.

Thanks for all the well-wishes!!! I appreciated them.

wish me luck...

Heck, if you're in the Knoxville area, come see me and partake of my hatmaking...

not dead yet...

I'm not dead yet and I'm going to take that as a good sign. Classes last night were really exhausting. We had a really emotionally intense group session last night which wound me up even tighter than I already was and I couldn't go to sleep. I am really, really tired today and I'm approaching zombie status. I'm not quite as stressed as the last few days though because I think the big push is here and I know I can only do what I can do and that will have to be good enough. I think the anxiety before the "doing" is what gets you sometimes. I also saw some "old" school friends last night and that was really great and helped me feel connected and good about life in general.

I brought three hats with me today to work on at lunch in the office. I hope I can sew in two bands and pin in a third, which would be a record for me in one hour. I hope I am making sense. I'm scared to think that I am going to do so much writing this weekend with the show going on...it will probably be full of grammar faux pas and stream-of-consciousness gobbledy-gook. I have to be able to think straight to write and right now I can't think straight. I have that heavy feeling in my head--the tired fog.

And I started 11 sentences in this post with "I." So, I'm self-absorbed on top of everything else. Heh? *sputter*

bleh...

I'm kind of grumpy. I'm more than kind of exhausted. I slammed a door into my head last night (I don't feel like explaining it, sorry). People who usually get on my nerves are REALLY getting on my nerves. Got school tonight, so I don't get home until 10 p.m. Ate beans last night and tooted all over my husband in bed last night *grin*. Tired. Whiney. Tired. Whiney. Repetitive.

Addendum: You really must check out the funny cake recipe over at Laura's. What a hoot!

nuts...

I'm not quite sure how I am going to get through the next eight days. This is the week of the show, the research paper and another one of those "quizzes" that take two hours to finish. I did get five pieces off to the Appalacian Center for Crafts. And I have several new hats that are drying and waiting for hatbands and tags. It's the school work that's putting me over the edge. I want to be excited about the show, but I can't fully enjoy it because of the mountain of reading, writing and studying I need to do before Tuesday. I brought two hats to work so I can sew in a couple of hatbands at lunch. I hate to bring my books into the booth this weekend...not very good salesmanship to be studying while people are browsing your stuff. Well, one good thing is that after Tuesday, I did what I could do and I'll get to breathe a little again. I hope to make enough money to send all four kitties to the vet and get a small drum carder.

Bleh. Gotta get to work.

post halloween blahs...

Halloween is over and we had a whopping six trick-or-treaters. Three groups of two. Hmmph. Psychos have ruined Halloween. I remember when we'd get in a little group and trick or treat for hours on end, going from neighborhood to neighborhood. The worst thing that happened to us was getting a popcorn ball in a sandwich bag and not knowing whether or not we should eat it. People watched for us as they drove by and we were greeted at nearly every house with smiles. I didn't have crap for costuming, so I went as the proverbial hobo with a straw hat, fake freckles and a big black ball of black wax over a couple of my teeth. I wore a big plaid shirt and jeans and carried a paper bag. It may sound sad, but I had a blast every year and I didn't worry about psychos. I worried about whether or not a kid dressed up as a ghost was going to pop out of the woods and scare me shitless.

Now kids trick or treat in a couple rich neighborhoods or go to church and school parties. If they trick or treat at all they are armed with two to five adults who wait at the curb like pissed-off bouncers.

I hate that kids are missing what we had. It makes me kind of sad.

squish survivor...

My boobies have survived the medieval machine of mammography and even sprung back to life (well as much as they do at 38). This one didn't hurt like the last one...perhaps I had an evil technician last year. Hopefully all is well in Boobieland and I'll get a gold star on my chart after the review.

Hmmmmmph...

I am feeling angry today... Could it be the mammogram I have scheduled for this afternoon? Could it be that I am poor? Could it be that the only free time I have is on the toilet? Could it be the chips and M&Ms I had for lunch? Maybe my underwear is on wrong-side-out. I did get a hatband sewn in over lunch--and another pinned in and ready to sew. That made me feel better. I dreamed about angora rabbits last night. (Like that smooth transition in my writing?)

*inspired by Ultramicroscopic's doodles.

A Beastly Party...

Check out the Rocky Top Brigade Tailgate Party, hosted by A Moveable Beast.

group therapy...

Even though the volume of reading in my classes is kicking my ass, I have to say that the group intervention class has been unbelievably valuable to me. I think everyone should have the experience of working out problems in an interactional setting like that. You find out that you are not unique in your suffering, or your insecurities or your fears. The first half of our class is lecture and the second half is a 90 minute process group. Since we are all future clinicians we probably delve into material faster than maybe a group from the general population, but it's interesting to watch our group unfold just as our text describes--just as most groups do. Now a little more than half-way through the semester we are becoming more authentic with one another, dropping the facades of social niceties and cocktail party conversation--"goblet" issues as Yalom would put it. I feel much richer emotionally having this experience, despite its inherent frustration. I got home at the usual 10 p.m. last night exhausted but feeling open and very human.

Hat work tonight.

stuck like a cat hair to a black shirt...

I hate it when my first class lets out early because I'm stuck for an hour until my next class starts. That would be great for catching up on reading if I had hauled all my books with me, but why would I do that when I'm supposed to have only five minutes between classes? Huh? So here I sit. In a real bad mood. Wanting to quit school. Tired of never seeing my husband. Tired of never getting more than a few minutes of time with the dogs. Sick of work. Wanting to have more time for my fiber projects and non-corporate-drivel writing. Wanting to finish the surprise wool cable sweater that will probably have moth holes in it by the time I get to return to it. Wanting to have a home-cooked meal...of any sort.

It will pass. This is the zit of the semester. It'll go away. Just don't poke it.

clone, please...

I need a clone to get this all done. I did have a good time at SAFF. The little guy to the left was one of the alpacas present at the show. I got some wonderful bunnywool/silk/sheepswool roving to play with, some hand-dyed yarn and some unique roving for accents in my felting. I didn't get into the nuno felting class (again!!!), but I did get to take the silk fusion class and it was pretty fun. We made little origami bags--that info alone was worth the fee. Anyway, my mother embarassed me countless times as she is prone to do, but we still had a great time together.

I do need a clone. I had planned to study for an exam on Sunday night after I got back from Asheville, but on the way back the entire mountain was down to one lane. It took more than three extra hours to get back! There went my evening of study. I had to take a day of vacation yesterday to study...that's all I did until nearly 10 p.m. last night. My brain is literally mush. I don't know how I am going to pull off a research paper and two shows in the next two weeks. I might be dead when it's all over. Once that big push is over, I'm taking it easy for a while. Next semester I am only going to take one class so I'll have a little time to breathe. This is unadulterated misery.

off to SAFF...

I'm off to SAFF right after work today...yippee!! I'll pick up my mom and I'll drag her off for a weekend of wooly fun. I can't wait to sink my fingers into all that good stuff!

Here's the hat I was going to post yesterday:

It has a slightly thin spot that made me unhappy. You'd have to hold it up to bright light to see it, but I wouldn't want to sell it although it would probably never be noticed by someone. Besides, I need a hat to wear, too!

No blogging again until Sunday night or Monday.

uh...

That's how I feel today. Uh...

I had nightmares about WWIII. The United States was under attack and missles where whizzing through our cities. People were disappearing. I couldn't find one of our co-workers and we had assumed her dead. Tidal waves were gushing through the streets. We came under attack and and huge military truck trailering a big bomb drove up. I scooped up a lost little service dog off the street, hopped in a stranger's Jeep with him and we zipped out of the danger zone behind a big ridge that gave us some protection from the explosion. That was just one little part of the dream...what a restful night of sleep. The dog was precious though...it looked like a border collie mix with a petite face, big sweet eyes and a liver-colored nose.

I did another hat last night, but I was a little disappointed that I had one little slightly thin spot in the top, so I guess I just got a hat added to my personal collection! I've been complaining how I am making hats for everyone but me, so I guess I subconsciously solved that problem! I meant to dump the digital so I could upload the pic, but oh well, I forgot. I think I'm going to add some beads and wear it this weekend to SAFF, which I am totally excited about. I just wish I wasn't so tired. I can't figure out if I'm tired because I'm doing too much or if I'm tired because something is wrong.

Since I don't have kids I think that anytime I am tired there's something wrong with me. I always compare myself to someone who is working, going to school and doing art (or other things) AND they have kids. Well, let me tell you, I would DIE if I added kids into the picture. Of course, then I think, I do more of the other things during the time I would be getting worked over by my kids, so? I don't know. I just wish I had more energy.

In any case, I will be cavorting with angora goats and rabbits, llamas, alpacas, sheep, fellow spinners, felters and other assorted fiber wackos all weekend and I'm excited!! I'll have plenty of photos when I return!

what?! you're not perfect???!!!!

Neither are they.


"Here are a couple of links that show you just what they do to models' photos before they get into the magazines. Here, here, and just so the men don't feel left out, here. Roll over the images with your mouse to see the "before retouching" picture. The full set is on the left side of each page. No one is immune from retouched imaging. We are convinced this is "normal" because we see it everywhere we go. And it doesn't matter that we are told not to compare ourselves to these fake photos, we are shown the fake photos. I don't know for sure, but I bet visual images imprint faster and deeper in most people than verbal images."*

*Shamelessly stolen from Twilight Cafe.

I actually have nearly quit reading women's magazines because they make me feel so bad about myself. Instead, I read magazines about art and craft and about real life. Ok, I can't pass up a People magazine, but those "lose that last 10 pounds!" and all those magazines about how I am a walking fashion faux pas are going into the garbage. Life gives you enough shit as it is--I don't need an army of strangers telling me that I SUCK. There's actually a study that shows fashion mags lowers women's self-esteem...I'll see if I can dig it up and post some stuff from it.

In other news...I'm tired and cranky, but not as tired and cranky as yesterday. So, hey, there's improvement going on.

ok, so I lied...

It got too late last night to post the pics of the new hats . I'm pretty much a walking zombie today and my hands feel like swollen hot dogs (but they're happy hot dogs)...

photos tonight...

I will post some photos of the new hats tonight. Until then dear bloggie brothers and sisters...

sleeeeeppppppyyyyyyyy...

Tired and sleepy today. I had to get up earlier than usual to be at a studio for some taping for work. At least it was something different to do.

My weekend was pretty darn productive and yielded three new hats and two sore arms (not done with finishing touches, but ready for the finishing touches). I tried to do the commission hat, but it turned out a little different than I had hoped. It's still a great hat, but I'll have to give it another whirl to repeat the one she wanted. I'll get to that tonight.

The reason it turned out different is because it's all Gotland wool and not Merino/Gottland. It finished up too short to make the contrasting color brim roll. The swirl turned out awesome though. I can't reach the Merino chick I want to buy from. Frustrating! Her Merino is the best, although most Merino batting will do. It's hard to find the exact color I want from another supplier in a pinch.

Well, I'm too tired to be blogging...more later.

little Peanut...

For those of you who are interested in knowing how Peanut is doing, you'll be happy to know she is still around. Her brain tumor will probably return, but for now, she seems to have adjusted to reduced capacities and is eating and drinking just fine. Removal of the tumor caused lots of balance problems for little Peanut, so she doesn't do much other than walk around with my dad on his property, sleep and eat. Before she got sick and had surgery, she was a fearsome little hunter and very independent, so it's been hard for her to adjust emotionally, but I think my dad is able to stick by her and help her feel safe. She won't go into the woods without him--smart cat. She wouldn't be able to defend herself on her own. My dad has seen bear, coyote and everything else you can imagine on his property. So, Peanut is hanging in there.

My appointment yesterday was just about like what I expected. My appointment time was 3:45 and the doctor walked in at 4:50. I signed in and started my wait at 3:35. I decided to take my little sketchbook, which made the wait tolerable. They had changed out the fingertip sticker-thingies and you can hardly feel them now. (Yesss!) The only surprise is that I have a lot of blood in my urine and have to go see a specialist (it's always something). And, thankfully, I didn't get surprise biopsies. (Yay!)

As far as the show goes, I got a really nice email apologizing about the previous email that was sent to me. Apparently so-and-so didn't let so-and-so know about the situation and...well, they asked me to reconsider very nicely and tried to help me out. It was SUCH a nice email that I am going to reinstate myself...which means it's back to the slavery schedule. Thank goodness the wool has already come in because I am going to be really busy over the next three weeks.

Gotta get busy on the publication...hope everyone has a great Friday!

it's the most wonderful time of the year...

As I pork up on some lunch I realize today is the best day of the year. This afternoon I get my annual check-up. Here's what I have to look forward to:

Waiting at least 30 minutes in the waiting room.

Reading 3,000 baby magazines that tell me my eggs are no good at my age and that I suck because I'm childless.

Being addressed as if I were a criminal/alien-with-a-booger-dangling by the front desk staff.

Attempting to pee into a little cup without getting it all over the place.

Washing my hands twice, maybe three times afterward.

Finding out just how freakin' fat I have gotten and having it recorded in INK.

Getting my blood pressure taken and having to ask what it is EVERY TIME. After all, it is MY blood pressure. I don't know why they think I'm not interested.

Being asked when my last period was which I have NEVER been able to answer without going through their stupid little calendar glued to the desktop.

Getting stabbed by that wonderfully thick fingertip needle that sinks directly into the bone of my finger. I actually hope they take it from my arm--at least that's interesting to watch and somehow I don't think it hurts half as bad.

Waiting another 40 minutes in the exam room with a giant paper towel wrapped around me. (But I am smart enough to bring my pocket PC and read e-books instead of the awful baby, parenting and Oprah magazines. No offense, Oprah.)

Being opened up with a giant can-opener by my gyn while a total stranger/nurse stares at my butt.

Laying there wondering what the stranger/nurse is thinking about while she stares at my butt.

Laying there wondering if I have bad breath or stinky feet and wishing I had brought socks but gladly realizing that my toenails are nicely painted.

Having the most sensitive tissue in my body excavated with a brush that feels like a giant steel wire mascara wand/engine-part cleaner.

Laying there with my fingers crossed hoping I don't have to get a "surprise" colposcopy (biopsies), which is quite like medieval torture without any painkillers. (I've hated my previously well-loved gyn ever since she did the first one. It's all I can do not to kick her in the head these days.)

Being reprimanded for not doing my BSEs on a timely basis.

Being reminded that I am due for a mammogram.

Being asked if I am going to have kids and told I have no time left if I'm going to.

Being told I'll probably have to have a hysterectomy sometime soon if the uterine fibroids return quickly. (I had several removed in November, one of which was the size of a grapefruit and another the size of an apple.)

Having my guts squished from South to North and East to West.

Getting a lovely stack of sample pills held together by a rubber band. (Glad I have my bigger purse with me.)

Receiving my new prescription which I am very likely to lose by the time I finish my sample packs.

Paying my co-pay and being treated like a criminal/alien-with-a-booger-dangling by the check-out staff.

Walking to my car feeling a little more pissed off than usual.

yummy...

My Norwegian wool batts came in yesterday. I opened the box and squished my face into them--six pounds and six colors of the most delicious wool in the world. Now I can finish the hat commissioned from me in Nashville. Just thinking about them makes me want to go home and start felting. I like to make hats that have Merino on the inside (for next-to-the-head softness) and Gotland/Pelssau on the outside because it holds its shape and has great texture. Thanks to Jean Hicks for that better-than-gold info! I used the last of my Nashville show earnings on the wool, but it will last me a long time.

On a less-than-positive note, I think I'm going to cancel out of the November show with a guild I'm in. The membership director gave me a break initially and said that I could pay the rather steep space fee of $300 after the show because we going through such a terrible financial crisis. I thought that was wonderfully generous. Well, a couple of days ago I get this slightly snippy email from another guild officer about how the membership director shouldn't have done that and I will have to pay up front at the beginning of the show. It also reminded me of the "real" deadline on the contract which was in October.

Well, I'm not retarded. I read the contract.

I actually could pay the day of the show, but now that there's been so much attention placed on HOW I DID IT WRONG and my PATHETIC FINANCIAL SITUATION, I think I would feel like a despised step-child coming in and sneaking a check over the table after everyone else has paid. The membership director was just trying help me. I feel like they should have honored the agreement and reprimanded him, not embarass me...even if they said that this was a one-time situation and that it can never happen again for anyone. So, I wrote back and said that I was really uncomfortable with all the attention placed on me as a new member and as someone with a less than great financial situation. Basically, I was visualizing how I would feel handing over that check at the show and it I didn't think it was nice way to start out showing with the guild. I said "no thanks" this time and that I would look foward to future shows.

Maybe I'm just sensitive.

Or stubborn.

Or I'm getting better at showing myself some respect.

bleh...

It's the end of the day. It's the end of the day. It's the end of the day.

Or something like that.

Must muster energy. Have no energy now. I've always been kind of a low-energy person which has always been a major irritation to me. Even when I am in great shape with no depression or other medical/psychological concerns I'm still tired most of the time. I do lots of things and get a lot done, but I just feel like I'm always dragging a big fat carcass behind me (that would be me, again). I have little fits of energy, but I rarely get what I would call "hyper." I'm always that damn turtle and sometimes I would like to the be impulsive nutty-and-out-of-control hare, you know? Mind energy is another matter though. I probably have 15 new ideas for figures a week and I have hundreds of doodles and drawings of those ideas scattered EVERYWHERE...my mind is very impatient and easily distracted if even slightly bored. Maybe I am a modern day Frankenstein--I've got the mind of someone with ADHD and the body of a phlegmatic 80 year-old.

Wow, now that's appealing. Thank God I'm already married.

now that I know...

about Shannon McNally I think that maybe I'll love her forever...

get thee to a therapist...

You know I can't even REPEAT my google searches here they are so bad. It's amazing my for-the-most-part-pretty-clean site comes up with some simple switch-a-roos in wording. Some of you are just plain SICK 'N' NASTY.

On that note, I have to share some good email I got today. Guys, it's just a joke.


Education for Men

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree...

TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.


FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers


SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (!Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

mean people with scissors...

I have to rant further about the fabric store Nazis. I have the same kind of experience at MOST fabric stores I frequent. I don't know if there's a such a dearth of social skills that these people merely appear rude or if they are such seamstress snobs that they can't stand to deal with the riff-raff.

During the same trip to said fabric store I posted about yesterday, I also enjoyed having my fabric cut for me. I use upholstery fabric for parts of my fabric figures because it's sturdier and I like the way it looks, so I picked about about four or five fabrics from the remnants heap and took them to the cutting table. I stood there and waited for someone and one of the employees, who has cut my fabric before, came to help me. I told her I'd like 1/2 yard of each fabric.

She says, "What in the world are you going to do with 1/2 yard pieces?"

"I make dolls."

Silence.

I looked at her and she continued with what she was doing. No "oh" or "hmm" or "really?" or anything. I just stood there feeling awkward and she stood there being awkward. It was awkward. I am terrible at small talk myself, but I usually recognize that someone has said something to me. I usually TRY. It wasn't a really big deal, but 90 percent of the interactions at most fabric stores are like that. It's like they're drugged sullen automatons. Does excessive sewing cause retardation of social skills? Did they have to sew their own clothes as kids? I don't know what it is, but it's annoying. Maybe I just expect too much from people.

On another note. I am exhausted. I left work a little early yesterday to finish my readings for my online test which I finished about 9 p.m. last night. It seems like I've been doing nothing but staring at computer screens and burying my nose in books. The classes I'm taking right now have tremendous reading requirements. I'm going to have to dig out my reading glasses because I can hardly focus my eyes. And to make things really fun, I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. Bleh on that. Thankfully I only have to go to one class tonight and will be home by 7 p.m. instead of 10 p.m. Tonight is scheduled ME time.

get thee back snorters of ill-will...

I went to a fabric store this weekend to get some styrofoam for one of my felting projects (and accidentally rifled through the upholstery remanants) and I wrote a check for my stuff at the check-out counter. The lady slowly rang me up and took my check and asked for a driver's license. Ok. Then she noticed that the area code on my checks was old. Now, East Tennessee has changed its area code about 3,000 times in the past few years, so I was using up the old checks I had. She says "You've got an old area code on your checks." And I said, "Yeah, I know, I'm using up the rest of my checks before I start my new box."

And she snorts at me and puts my check into the register.

Snorts.

Now she could have snorted because my checks are funny (Popyeye checks) or she could have snorted because she was a totally anal-retentive bitch, or because she thought I was an idiot for not marking out the old area code and putting in the new one.

In any case, I don't think you should SNORT at anyone unless you plan to explain yourself. I wanted to take my bag of material, build some velocity with it by swinging it above my head and give her a good hearty thwack.

Even in my worst mood, I have never snorted at a stranger or have been openly rude to someone who didn't do a lot to provoke me...especially in the workplace.

On another note, I got a lot of work done over the weekend, both studying and felting. I look forward to the day when I actually have a real weekend devoid of work and study. Sometimes I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to. But, I have to say that the scheduling idea is helping me tremendously...I am moving and getting things done. And, I am scheduling guilt-free self time which makes a big difference.

aie...

I have never seen the Vols play that bad... sometimes it's like being in a stormy codependent relationship. Quick, call a therapist.

testing, testing, 1, 2 and in theory, 3...

I've taken short tests, long tests, official tests...they all come up the same. I'm either uniquely wonderful, or a bizarre freak that belongs in a jar full of formaldehyde...only time will tell.

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Calm and pleasant face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 1% of the total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

Thanks to Laura for the link.

And two big fat snaps in a circle for completing my scheduled study time tonight. Get it ahooon!

ok, breathe...

I'm better today and more positive. To battle the gridlock I am going to schedule blocks of time for different activities (study time, art time, hubby time, self time). That way I can allow myself to think about only one type of activity at a time (thanks Kat and M2). So, my evenings are going to be very scheduled for about three or four weeks to get over the hump. The first week of November is the big crunch date with a big research paper and two art/craft shows (one small, one big) all due. After that, I can take the level down to hysteria. Right now I think I am emoting radiation. (Later that night...editorial smirk/update: What the hell? I think I meant "emitting"...either that or I just made a brilliant play on words...)

So, I think I DID get out of the road. And that's a good thing. Now all I have to do is find my way through the woods.

look! da fog, da fog!

I am in a fog. I do NOT like fog. Quite simply, I'm overwhelmed. When I pick up a magazine, I have to put it back down because I know I should be picking up a textbook instead. When I pick up a textbook I think about how many pieces I need to make for the November art fair. When I work on creative projects I feel like I should have studied before spending time on art projects. When I try to knit and relax I think about how I should be felting instead of knitting so I put it back down. When I am at work, I think about how much studying I have to do and how many pieces I need to get done for the November art fair. When I'm on the toilet I think about how I've been avoiding my laundry and how I need to clean the house. When I'm in bed, I'm thinking about how much stuff I have to do at work, school and for the fair so I can't go to sleep. When I watch television I feel so guilty I pull the covers over my head. When I'm in the shower I think about how fat I've gotten because I can't get out the door to exercise because I have too much studying and fair pieces to complete at home. When I get up in the morning, I think about how behind I am at work and I hope I'll drown in the shower. And while all of that is going on I'm worried to death about money.

Well, ok, I don't really hope to drown in the shower, but that's how my life has been. I'm the quintessential deer in the headlights--except I think I've been run over a few times. I don't know how I keep getting back up. I do know that it would be good to GET OUT OF THE ROAD. And that's what I'm going to think about now.

new medications for women only...

D A M N I T O L----Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T----Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N----Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O----Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D U M B E R O L----When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country western music.

F L I P I T O R----Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N----Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A----Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL----When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N----Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T----A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N----More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome.

N A G A M E N T----When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

All of these new medications are available in trial-size and super-economy 5 gallon buckets. Thanks to my friend, Susan, for sharing.